Taking care of our elderly parents can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences we go through.

All of a sudden you become a combination of a child, a parent, a nurse and a manager. Sometimes you feel loved and proud. Many times you feel angry, sad or exhausted. All of these are normal emotions. We hear very little about them.

When the emotionality of Caregiving collides with practicality.

The emotional aspects of taking care of elderly parents typically manifest themselves during the heaviest periods of being responsible for their daily needs.

Many families are faced with having to find hospital beds to rent, contact home care services, or rearrange rooms in the house to ensure their safety. None of these decisions are “just logistics”. They each represent the fact that your mom or dad is getting older and much weaker.

Hidden Guilt behind every decision.

Money and time create additional pressures.

You are probably researching the pros and cons of different types of services, searching for costs to rent hospital beds near my location and determining whether or not certain items you could afford today. It’s easy to feel guilty, as though you’re placing a value on their comfort. However, you’re not. You’re simply balancing the realities of where your resources lie versus providing the best possible care.

Guilt: “Am I doing enough?”

This is likely the most commonly described emotion from Caregivers. You may feel guilty when you occasionally get impatient. You may feel guilty because you cannot see your parents every single day. You may feel guilty when you’re too tired and secretly think you need some time off. You may even feel guilty for thinking about your parents’ long term care or needing assistance from someone else.

Remember: if you’re feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities as a caregiver it does not mean you love your parents any less. Guilt exists only because you truly care about your parents.

Frustration: “why is this so hard?”

Frustration occurs when there are system issues (i.e., doctors rushing you; confusing paperwork; etc.)

Your doctor may rush you through the appointment. Paperwork may be confusing. You’ll research how to rent a hospital bed and after many attempts you will finally reach a customer service representative who answers your question. Your parents may refuse to accept your assistance and argue with you when you try to protect them. It is normal to feel like you’re under attack on all sides.

It is okay to feel frustrated as well. You are not a bad person for recognizing that this is difficult.

Love in everyday moments.

Despite all the stress involved in caring for an elderly parent, there are quiet moments that bring back memories of why you continue to do this.

Holding your father’s hand throughout a painful night. Preparing your mother’s favorite tea. Laughing with your parents about an old memory or picture. There are no grand gestures here, just everyday acts of Love that form the foundation of Caregiving.

While they may not solve all problems, they provide the emotional support you need to get through each day.

Unforeseen financial pressures

There are also unforeseen financial burdens associated with Caregiving that few people discuss.

As the primary caregiver, you may be responsible for purchasing supplies, hiring additional home help or renting medical equipment. You’re constantly searching for ways to save money including using online search terms such as “rental wheelchair near Toronto” or “hospital bed rental for home care” Money stresses can quickly evolve into resentments if left unchecked.

Making a basic budget and possibly involving siblings or other relatives in helping pay expenses can alleviate both the financial burden and related emotional pressures.

Family conflict and unmet expectations

Conflicts with family members tend to escalate once more than one family member becomes involved in the Caregiving process.

Perhaps one sibling lives out of and believes you’re overreacting. Maybe another sibling is contributing nothing while you manage everything. Suddenly old family dynamics emerge again.

Be open and honest with family members regarding what you need from them. Don’t simply state “i’m doing everything”, instead express what specifically you require of them (e.g., “could you take care of mom’s appointments on friday?”). Family members may not be able to assist with physical tasks but they could offer transportation assistance, assist with paperwork or make phone calls.

Using tools to support the Love you already have

You shouldn’t have to bear this responsibility alone.

At times, the kindest act toward both yourself and your elderly parent is to utilize effective tools and support systems. Researching how to rent a hospital bed or scheduling home visits are not examples of giving up. Rather, they provide the opportunity to create a safer environment and provide longer-lasting solutions for Caregiving.

Better equipment and services can improve your posture, prevent injuries from falls, increase dignity in caring for your parents daily. That is not unloving, that is wise, loving planning.

Selfcare for Caregivers

Caregivers often display tremendous empathy for their elderly parents but almost none for themselves.

If you lose your temper you apologize. When something goes wrong you criticize yourself. You rarely take time for yourself before feeling guilty about it.

Treat yourself with kindness similar to how you’d encourage a good friend in the same circumstances. You wouldn’t call him selfish or lazy. You would tell her she is doing her absolute best in an extremely tough position.

Love remains at the center

Regardless of how tired, angry or fearful you become, love typically remains what drives you forward.

You look for alternatives, investigate services and seek information regarding topics such as “wheelchair rental near me” because you want your parents to remain safe and comfortable. That is Love in action regardless of whether it feels warm and fuzzy at the time.

You are permitted to experience Guilt. You are permitted to experience frustration. You are also permitted to preserve your own physical health and mental vitality. Protecting yourself is part of protecting your parent(s). Ultimately it is the consistent, imperfect everyday expressions of Love that matter most — and you’ve been expressing that Love already.